My heartache.

I was supposed to write about “Mariah Carey’s songs”, but I guess God has another thing in mind. 

I watched this Korean romantic comedy movie, “Miss Old Diary”, this morning. Thanks to, of course, YouTube. It’s about a girl- or woman, to be exact- in her early 30’s, who doesn’t have a stable job and.. a husband. 

[For all of you who do not know, in Korea, if you hit 30 and you don’t have a boyfriend to marry you or a husband, you are considered an old spinster. And it’s not really a good reputation. (*Conclusion just gathered from my “Korean television experience” so not really proved in real life]

This woman- I forgot her name- lives with her 3 grandmothers and 2 uncles. Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell you the whole synopsis of the movie. What bothered me, though, was that “Why is this woman so WEIRD?!” And I mean, really weird. She doesn’t give me the impression that she’s HUMAN at all- human- rational, thinking, discerning human. It’s like, she has NO CONTROL of her feelings or actions whatsoever. She’s like my cute, lovely, Golden Retriever, Whitney. 

My first impression of her was similar to Nike’s tagline;

JUST DO IT. 

And… I just felt sad for her.

“Why are you doing that?”

“WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU THINKING?!”

Obviously I was so into the movie. So before I lose all possible notions of sanity I have left, I told myself, “THIS IS NOT A REAL LIFE STORY.”

But thinking about it… unfortunately, it is REAL LIFE. Real life stories of people. Just doing what first came to their mind. Not being able to control their actions, their words, their behavior and attitude towards everything- especially to other people.

Being “FREE”. Being able to “DO WHAT I WANT TO DO”. But is it really freedom? If we do something that we’ve been taught is wrong or we think is wrong and yet we do it because we believe ourselves to be free and we have to prove to ourselves and to others that we’re free, then, ARE WE REALLY?

I was angry at my mom this morning because she didn’t cook for me because I have no school today. Not really angry, just.. terribly irritated. And so, that early in the morning I gave myself a heartache.

And what I realized was that- I don’t have to be terribly irritated at my mom just because of that. Yes, I can be angry. Yes, I can be terribly irritated. And yes, I have a right to be. I have a perfectly good reason. But is it really a “perfectly good” reason? Is it even a reason?! What things can make us angry can define who we are. How shallow or how deep we are.

I read last night, in Proverbs that, “A wise man’s heart keeps guard over his mouth, making his words more effective.”(Pr. 16:23) It made me think that, if I would want to be wise, then I would watch what I say and DO- “making his words more effective.” 

Just so you know, I felt a lot better after. After smiling at my mom, after talking to her sweetly, after thinking that it’s not really that big of a deal, THAT I’ve committed much much graver mistakes than that (HAH) and yet, God in all His Loving Kindness, has forgiven me.

Man, was I happy. Happy that I’ve taken the moment to pray and ask God for wisdom. Happy that I was able to let pass my mom’s itsybitsy “mistake” and, in the process, not committin a graver one.

St. James said, ” But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.” (James 3:17)

One heartache down. A lot more to go.

아자 아자! 바이팅!~

Why I made this blog.

I want to share my life. Not so I could be popular. Not so I could diss everything and everyone I want to diss. Not so I could voice my own thoughts. 

NO.

My thoughts are far too fickle and.. sadly, are most times… selfish. And I don’t want to mislead people or”advice” people wrong thing and give them wrong arguements.

I made this blog because I feel God wants me to. So people would somehow understand what God, with His grace, made me understand. About this life. And how it’s connected to Love.

Also, I feel that I would learn from this experience. About the Faith I’m just recently learning about, eventhough I’ve had it my whole life. And about how utterly incapable the human language is in expressing how Lovely our God Is.

I would like to say, I love you, to all of you right now. You who are angry, who are frustrated, who are in pain, who are cursing your God, who wants revenge, who are never contented, who feel you know everything you need to, who are proud, who are greedy, who are lusty, who are gluttons, who are lazy, who are envious, yet, despite all this, you who are alive.

I cannot say I am different from you. I have been each and everyone of you in my life.

I want to say I love you. With the fire of love burning in my heart, I love you. Because you are God’s creation. Because I cannot hate you, and I cannot despise you because that would be hating and despising myself.

I love you. Not because you are committing sins. But because you need love in as much as I need to love.

I love you. Because I need to love in order to live… life to the fullest.

I love you.