Before I Die.

When I woke up this morning, I found that my parents went out early to the market and my brothers still sleeping. When I entered our living room, I found it very serene, with the sunshine peeking through our windows. And suddenly I asked myself, “What should I do with my life?” I feel, it takes for us to have these serene moments to realize that we’re not doing much in life. That we’re doing very fickle things and that somehow… it feels that we’re meant to do something else, something GREAT, something IMPORTANT, ESSENTIAL. “Are the things that occupy me in my daily life that which I’m meant to do? Is that WHY I’M HERE?”

I feel that my time here is very, very much limited. I do not know how much time I have left to be able to accomplish that which I am meant to accomplish. My beloved brothers and sisters, look around you. Look inside yourself and see- all you are, all you were, all you are trying to be, all you want to be. It hurts so much that we are very, very far from the ideal person we desire to be. That we don’t have enough courage, determination, trust and faith to accomplish our mission in life.

I still do not know fully what my mission is; I am very shallow-minded and cowardly as you can see. I am very much afraid of all the suffering I have to go through, and so I am forever grateful to our One and Only God that He has given me Himself and even His mother- because without them, I would never be willing to undergo ALL THE HURT, ALL THE PAIN, ALL THE CRIPPLING SUFFERING which God wills for me to undergo, to be as pure and beautiful as how He wants me too. If it was not the will of My God, Himself, then I would be a fool to do this– to SUFFER.

You want to know why? Let me tell you a story.

There was a boy, who deeply loved a beautiful girl. But the girl turned out to be his half-sister, and was wooed by someone else. It was very hard for him. Not simply because of the girl, but because of the fact that his mother, father and grandmother have all died already. And so he is left alone, and he feels that his half-sister is all he has. And he lovee her very deeply. She loved him too– as a little brother. When he got into an accident, he found out that he has a cardiac problem. An illness which will, sooner or later, lead to his death. He kept this from his sister.

And he bore  it all– ALL THE SUFFERING that comes from knowing that you’re going to die, knowing that you’re going to leave everything you have behind, especially the girl you love, ALL THE PAIN that comes with knowing that this girl is with someone else, ALL THE HEARTEACHE that comes with every WHAT IF a person can utter when everything that’s happening to him is not how he wants it to– WHAT IF she isn’t my sister? WHAT IF I didn’t have this illness? WHAT IF she loves me back as I love her and not only as a brother? 

You may be crying right now. You may be hurting because of this boy. Because, you know like I do, that this boy is meant to suffer. That he is a very unlucky boy and no matter how hard we try, we cannot come up with a good solution to this COMPLICATED LIFE.

You know the first thing I thought of? IF ONLY, I COULD HUG HIM RIGHT NOW. IF ONLY I COULD TELL HIM HE’S NOT ALONE, I AM HERE AND THAT I LOVE HIM, AND HE HAS ME. I wanted to comfort him in every possible way that I could think of. 

BUT I CAN’T. From my experience, I’ve learned that me comforting others, they don’t really mean so much. Sure, they’re here for now- but HOW LONG ARE THEY GOING TO BE HERE? And HOW MUCH OF THEMSELVES ARE THEY WILLING TO GIVE? HOW MUCH OF THEMSELVES CAN THEY GIVE?

NO MATTER HOW MUCH I’D WANT TO COMFORT HIM, I CANNOT PUT CLAY IN THAT HOLE IN HIS HEART. 

And you know what I realized, maybe– maybe if I was able to lead him to Jesus– maybe if I was able to pray for him, to beg God to comfort this man who DID NOT KNOW that in these times of FALLING, AND HURTING, we can run to God and cry in His Everlasting Arms. We can beg Him for help, for His Immaculate Peace, for His Explanation– why do I have to go through this? Because only He has the answer. And for this I am very thankful.

Do you know why?

Because whenever I ask God “Why do I have to go through this?”, He answers,

“For Me, My child. I let you go through this for you to become who you are supposed to be– who I want you to be. For you to become as beautiful, as pure, as gentle, as sweet and as innocent as you can be. For you to be able to LOVE ME BACK as I have LOVED YOU. For Love begets Love, and only Love can suffice onto LOVE.”

And for this my happiness and the peace in my heart is so GREAT that I am able to say with St. Therese of the Child Jesus– “Everything is grace.” Because our trust in God should be absolute. 

And I find that this is my mission: To suffer greatly for Him.

Thank You Lord. For Everything.

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In everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (1Th 5:18)

He Himself has said, “I WILL NEVER DESERT YOU, NOR WILL I EVER FORSAKE YOU.” (Heb 13:5)

 ♥

A Valentine Story by Jerome Frank

This is how it began.

Does it really begin?

Was it not always there?

A warmth, a longing, a yearning in the heart, a subtle waiting and a subtle wanting.

But this is how their love began– with a chance and an unexpected meeting– in a place not arranged, in a moment not prepared– ticked off by a clock private only to them. Here the first stolen glance, the sudden swift awareness, and then something ancient and marvelous, old as the rhythym of the blood is there.

It does not matter who is possessed or who is the possessor– Dante first saw Beatrice at prayer. Romeo glimpsed Juliet at a ball. Then love unerring and unafraid could find itself amidst a crowd, aboard a ferry boat, where a seaman first sees her then follows, not sure, yet not so unsure. Ask him now if he remembers the first words. He cannot. But he spoke and she answered and laughed and giggled a little too much. They could know that over them, in this winged moment, hovered the ghost of all the lovers who were, encouraging him, reassuring her. She wonders uncertain. Is this right? And ought I? And what will he think of me?

Love has its moods, its frets, its wayfarers dark twisting paths. They are embarked upon a strange adventure. A pilgrimage to an unknown country, that is another’s self, that is another’s heart, and mind and soul.

When pride is gone, dismissing the fault, how do you conjugate the word to love? I should have? — You should have? — or We should have?

Love’s season has its parties because that is its special destiny. He must go for a little while. There is only silence as she accompanies him part of the way. Dreading the separation that cannot be stayed, the hour that must come. They two against the world. They two an island in themselves. He thinks— how do you say good-bye? Shall I leave now? Ought I to go or stay? Will one word help or be too much? How do you say goodbye when the word is caught in your throat, when the word is as heavy as a stone at the bottom of your heart.

But soon he is home. Suddenly, the unseen is seen. The cherished is as near as her own pulse beat. Nothing counts now but that he is home. Time is vanished. Today is tomorrow.

This is how love becomes — not in sadness — not in ecstasy, but in thankfulness — not in a thunderclap, but in slow silences.

It does not matter who the possessed or who the possessor was because the universe and all that was or ever will be, is caught in this one love — and this is what Dante knew, what Romeo dreamt — and all lovers remember, who remember, when love began.

*As written by Naty B. Luis from memory

WHAT I WANT.

I realized; I should be thankful for EVERYTHING I have and EVERYTHING I am. 

Because these make me HUMAN. And being human means, I am loved by God.

THIS IS ALL I EVER NEEDED and ALL I WILL EVER NEED.

Most times, my heart hurts. I feel alone, far away from God, forgotten, unwanted, uncared for- I feel as though I should be doing something more. Sometimes I feel like running away. Far far away, where I can start a new life and be whoever I want to be, and have whatever I want to have. Sometimes the emotions, the wanting is so SO STRONG that I’m ready to pack my things and just leave. LEAVE EVERYTHING BEHIND.

But I am stopped in my tracks, and made to realize that- THAT IS WHAT I WANT FOR MYSELF.

This life, the one I am living now- THIS IS WHAT GOD GAVE ME. Surely, God knows what is BEST for me. And if He wants me to prove my LOVE for Him by enduring whatever I’m going through right now, I am more than willing to do so. More than willing.

Because that is, after all, our mission in life- to “ ‘Lift up your eyes and see…’ See how in my Heaven there are places empty; it is for you to fill them … each one of you is my Moses praying on the mountain (Ex 17,8f.); ask Me for laborers and I shall send them, I await only a prayer, a sigh from your heart!” (Taken from Letter 135 of Saint Therese of the Child Jesus)

Thank You, Lord. For letting me and helping me accomplish the mission You gave to me. 

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“O Jesus, Unspeakable Sweetness, please turn all consolations of this world into bitterness for me.”

-Imitation of Christ, St. Thomas a Kempis

Mortality.

One morning, I woke up and realized that everything around me is temporary. EVERYTHING. Even smiles, and tears, laughter and despair, dreams and nightmares, even feelings and emotions and wants and desires. EVERYTHING. One moment it’s here, then the next it’s gone. Maybe later, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe next month, maybe next year, maybe for the next ten years, maybe for the next 50 years. No matter how short or long the duration is, at some point in our lives, they die- dissapear, perish. Whatever you call it.

And I’ve realized, that amidst this reality of being MORTAL, Our God- Our Lord, Jesus Christ promised us of immortality, eternity. He bravely spoke of these things just as He bravely stretched out His hands on that cross to show us WHAT TRUE LOVE IS.

I realized that NOTHING in this world CAN DESCRIBE GOD but the SUFFERINGS and SACRIFICES made OF LOVE, FOR LOVE, THROUGH LOVE, AND FROM LOVE. NOTHING. But MIRACLES of something IMPOSSIBLE made POSSIBLE because of LOVE.

No matter how much pain, how many tears, into how many pieces my heart will break, how much suffering and crippling hurt I’ll have to endure- Lord, these are all mortal.

So all I ask of You, is to give me all of these O Lord. Let me experience and endure ALL, My God. All for You. Let me borrow Your Love, so that I can Love as much as You. You understand, I suppose Lord. Even if I don’t speak, You know the very will and desire of my heart.

YOU.

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“Owe nothing to anyone, except to love one another.” Romans 13:8

“Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me.” Matthew 16:24