Before I Die.

When I woke up this morning, I found that my parents went out early to the market and my brothers still sleeping. When I entered our living room, I found it very serene, with the sunshine peeking through our windows. And suddenly I asked myself, “What should I do with my life?” I feel, it takes for us to have these serene moments to realize that we’re not doing much in life. That we’re doing very fickle things and that somehow… it feels that we’re meant to do something else, something GREAT, something IMPORTANT, ESSENTIAL. “Are the things that occupy me in my daily life that which I’m meant to do? Is that WHY I’M HERE?”

I feel that my time here is very, very much limited. I do not know how much time I have left to be able to accomplish that which I am meant to accomplish. My beloved brothers and sisters, look around you. Look inside yourself and see- all you are, all you were, all you are trying to be, all you want to be. It hurts so much that we are very, very far from the ideal person we desire to be. That we don’t have enough courage, determination, trust and faith to accomplish our mission in life.

I still do not know fully what my mission is; I am very shallow-minded and cowardly as you can see. I am very much afraid of all the suffering I have to go through, and so I am forever grateful to our One and Only God that He has given me Himself and even His mother- because without them, I would never be willing to undergo ALL THE HURT, ALL THE PAIN, ALL THE CRIPPLING SUFFERING which God wills for me to undergo, to be as pure and beautiful as how He wants me too. If it was not the will of My God, Himself, then I would be a fool to do this– to SUFFER.

You want to know why? Let me tell you a story.

There was a boy, who deeply loved a beautiful girl. But the girl turned out to be his half-sister, and was wooed by someone else. It was very hard for him. Not simply because of the girl, but because of the fact that his mother, father and grandmother have all died already. And so he is left alone, and he feels that his half-sister is all he has. And he lovee her very deeply. She loved him too– as a little brother. When he got into an accident, he found out that he has a cardiac problem. An illness which will, sooner or later, lead to his death. He kept this from his sister.

And he bore  it all– ALL THE SUFFERING that comes from knowing that you’re going to die, knowing that you’re going to leave everything you have behind, especially the girl you love, ALL THE PAIN that comes with knowing that this girl is with someone else, ALL THE HEARTEACHE that comes with every WHAT IF a person can utter when everything that’s happening to him is not how he wants it to– WHAT IF she isn’t my sister? WHAT IF I didn’t have this illness? WHAT IF she loves me back as I love her and not only as a brother? 

You may be crying right now. You may be hurting because of this boy. Because, you know like I do, that this boy is meant to suffer. That he is a very unlucky boy and no matter how hard we try, we cannot come up with a good solution to this COMPLICATED LIFE.

You know the first thing I thought of? IF ONLY, I COULD HUG HIM RIGHT NOW. IF ONLY I COULD TELL HIM HE’S NOT ALONE, I AM HERE AND THAT I LOVE HIM, AND HE HAS ME. I wanted to comfort him in every possible way that I could think of. 

BUT I CAN’T. From my experience, I’ve learned that me comforting others, they don’t really mean so much. Sure, they’re here for now- but HOW LONG ARE THEY GOING TO BE HERE? And HOW MUCH OF THEMSELVES ARE THEY WILLING TO GIVE? HOW MUCH OF THEMSELVES CAN THEY GIVE?

NO MATTER HOW MUCH I’D WANT TO COMFORT HIM, I CANNOT PUT CLAY IN THAT HOLE IN HIS HEART. 

And you know what I realized, maybe– maybe if I was able to lead him to Jesus– maybe if I was able to pray for him, to beg God to comfort this man who DID NOT KNOW that in these times of FALLING, AND HURTING, we can run to God and cry in His Everlasting Arms. We can beg Him for help, for His Immaculate Peace, for His Explanation– why do I have to go through this? Because only He has the answer. And for this I am very thankful.

Do you know why?

Because whenever I ask God “Why do I have to go through this?”, He answers,

“For Me, My child. I let you go through this for you to become who you are supposed to be– who I want you to be. For you to become as beautiful, as pure, as gentle, as sweet and as innocent as you can be. For you to be able to LOVE ME BACK as I have LOVED YOU. For Love begets Love, and only Love can suffice onto LOVE.”

And for this my happiness and the peace in my heart is so GREAT that I am able to say with St. Therese of the Child Jesus– “Everything is grace.” Because our trust in God should be absolute. 

And I find that this is my mission: To suffer greatly for Him.

Thank You Lord. For Everything.

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In everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (1Th 5:18)

He Himself has said, “I WILL NEVER DESERT YOU, NOR WILL I EVER FORSAKE YOU.” (Heb 13:5)

 ♥